I’m so tired. I feel beaten down by my own personal beast. The beast whose only creed is to slowly rip away all the things I loved so much about myself. What am I suppose to do? I feel constantly whipped personally and physically. Hope seems to keep me lodged in the past. That is, perpetually longing for abilities and a lifestyle I once had. I still anticipate things getting better, but that seems to habitually set me up for a big let down.
In case you haven’t noticed today is not a good day. I’m weak. I’m tired. I’m fuzzy in the head. And I can’t wait for this to pass.
I originally decided against posting anytime I experience indifference. I usually like to leave you with an optimistic message. But tonight I just can’t muster up the strength for even that. My husband, Tommy, suggested I just write what I feel. He said, “Life is not always bliss. Since your posts reflect your life you must talk about the good and the bad.” So I would like to welcome my family and friends to my “cave of pity”. I usually only invite a select few but now I’m opening it up to everyone, warts and all.
I’m lamenting the way I use to be, the way society use to receive me. It often made me proud. Which in itself is a self-absorbent state. I dropped the ball there too! I’m tired of relying on a wheelchair. When in fact I need power transportation. That’s on it’s way too, a scooter thing.
I don’t usually whine, but I miss being a relevant part of society. I feel like I’m trapped in a cage and it’s getting smaller and stinkier. For a long time I thought driving would bring me back some normality, but when it came right down to it I couldn’t make the cut. As a matter of fact, I was too frightened to get behind the wheel with the instructor! Honestly I’ve been feeling this way for a while…just secretly. I find things are easier for all parties involved, if I put forth my best effort and just fake the rest.
Hurricane Irene hit the eastern seaboard. I need to be thankful I don’t live in Maryland anymore and send prayers to those I know and love there.
Well tomorrow I get to see my nurse practitioner. We graduated nursing school together! Isn’t that neat? I’m happy for him.
I hate that apathy is overpowering me.