I have physical therapy once a week. There is always a variety of patients represented at different stages of their disease processes. Including those worse off than me. Today I found myself slightly down. Which is unusual because going to physical therapy is the highlight of my week. But as my therapist was assessing me for the new device I mentioned in a previous post, I got a chance to see my progress or lack there of in treatment. I felt a bit defeated because simple walking seemed like a distant dream. Just out of reach yet so far away. It occurred to me in that instant that I’m never gonna be like I was. I’m never gonna walk, I thought to myself.
Immediately I was filled with shame. Because right there, in my midst, were women and men that would love to trade places with me. I’m not paralyzed. My vision is functional. I have full use of both my arms and hands. I have a dynamite support system. This should be enough. I guess sometimes its not. I selfishly want more.
We always want what we don’t have. Never stopping to appreciate our blessings. I’m suppose to hear from my insurance company about that new technology (the Bioness) soon. Maybe too I’m just nervous it won’t live up to my dreams or my insurance company won’t cover it.
MS is suffocating me. I in turn lash out at those around me. I’m noticing that when I get tired my good leg starts dragging too! When will this whirlwind stop? But what I need to appreciate is that even if I could walk that probably won’t be the answer to all my needs. There’s no quick fix for me.
But boy do I hope this new device will at least patch me up!