Acceptance Archive

15

Living Cliché

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“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that
self may prove to be.”
– Mary Sarton

I wish I had a boring life.
I would be a mom with two kids and a stay at home wife.

I’d watch TV half the day.
Then shop the other time away.

I’d have lunch with friends.
Then, the next day, meet them again.

Go dancing on weekends and stay up late.
Every night, dinner with my husband is a usual date.

No medicine to ingest. No shots to inject.
I can go all day, no need for rest.

No doctors to see. No nurses around.
I’m always happy, you never see me frown.

I wouldn’t have to explain why I’m in a wheelchair, because there would be none there.

I would go to the movies and watch it from beginning to end.
I would run at the park with all my old and new friends.

I would sleep all day by choice.
And when I spoke, everyone would respect my voice.

No more smiling out of fear.
I’m the best at everything, the envy of all my peers.

My husband would be my husband, not my caretaker or nurse.
I would love that the most, because that part hurts the worst.

Am I wrong for wanting to be like everyone else?
I’m sad that I feel this way, but I really wish my life were a cliché.

19

Pure Magic

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“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies.” – Stephen King – The Shawshank Redemption

I am trying to live beyond MS. It has produced so many obstacles in my life that I can’t see anything but the negativity that arises from its poisonous grasp. The disease comes with countless constraints that induce me into becoming a prisoner to its daily whims.

It stunts desires, kills cravings and destroys aspirations. Sometimes it feels as if it’s choking the life right out of me. Even thinking of it now leaves me breathless.

MS hurts. If you let it, the pain of the disease can pull you down further than hell. Lower than you can ever imagine. The whole magnificent emptiness that is MS, wants to control your life and destroy any semblance of happiness.

In my fight to remain in control my main refuge has been hope. Hope is the only thing that keeps me sane. Hope brings me clarity. It sometimes takes me away from MS. It allows me to focus on a particular instant of MS free happiness. And those moments, when I forget I have MS, are nothing short of magic.

Pure magic.

22

It Was A Success

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“Persistence and resilience only come from having been given the chance to work though difficult problems.” – Gever Tulley

I recently received a suprapubic catheter. The surgery was completed with no problems or complications. The main reason I had surgery was I no longer held complete control over my bladder function and the catheter will help me regain that control.

It was an outpatient procedure that lasted an hour and a half. My urologist and his team made me feel so comfortable during the preoperative instructions and evaluation that I urged my mother to stay home. My husband was there and that was enough support.

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Despite my comfort level with my doctors and the surgery, I still had the normal pre-surgical jitters.

So to ease my doubts, I persistently played in my head the reasons why I was getting the procedure done. I remembered the sleepless nights. We were waking up every three hours to use the restroom. I vividly recalled the times I returned home from a night out wearing wet soggy Depends. I called to mind dozens of ruined outings due to a weak bladder and the endless anxiety about the “restroom situation” every place I went.

I used all of these memories as my motivation to continue with the surgery.

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Now the big question is…

So, was it worth it?

The answer is…

An overwhelming YES! I would do it again tomorrow.

It’s been less than a week but so far so good. And as we all know, there is a learning curve with everything. So as I learn, I will let you know. But for now it seems to have worked out.

It was a success.

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31

A Friend Indeed

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“Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone”
– Maya Angelou

Lately, I have been feeling down. Unfortunately this is nothing new. Two to three times a year I go into a “funk”. Not sure what it is but I really hate when it happens.

I mentioned this to my MS support group and after hearing about my troubles, a fellow MS group member, invited me to hangout with her for the weekend.

Sue, who has become a good friend and confidant, recommended we attend the New Orleans Oyster Festival. I agreed and we set a time and chose Sunday as the date.

Once the big day came, I was so excited. As soon as I woke up I began getting ready. As I was putting on my clothes, I could hear the patter of rain on my bedroom window. I looked outside and sure enough it was raining. I felt like crying. Then the phone rang. It was Sue. I just knew she was going to cancel. I answered the phone with a melancholy hello. She ecstatically answered back, “You ready?”

I said, “Sue, it’s raining.”

She replied, “If MS can’t stop us, how we gonna let a little rain stop us? Girl, put on a hat and let’s go!”

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So we met on the Riverwalk in the rain. We were able to find some shelter and settled in to eat our charbroiled oysters and shrimp po’boys. The sun even peaked out and gave us a thirty-minute reprise so we could see the bands play music and watch an oyster-eating contest.

On the way home, I just felt so happy. Yes, my issues were still present but for a little while I was able to escape the worry and tension that always accompany my problems.

It’s funny how friends and family can come through just when you think no one cares. Yes, a friend in need, is a friend indeed.

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33

One Day At A Time

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“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” – Rollo May

Last month was a rough one for me. Physically, I was about the same. Emotionally, I was a wreck.

I was basically doing all the things I should not do. That includes, constantly thinking of activities I can no longer participate in. The more I thought, the more I cried. At first it was behind my husband’s back. Then it was right in front of him. I couldn’t control my emotions. I couldn’t hide the anguish any longer. I began to believe that MS was taking over my life. The pain was ringing in my head non-stop.

I consider this a personal low. I’m not proud of my behavior. I should have known something was up when I lost interest in the pastimes that keep me going and motivated.

But finally, I took a real look at myself. I focused on what was happening to me and I saw a depressed person.

How could I miss this? It’s simple Psych 101.

Thankfully, my husband suggested I visit my psychiatrists. So the next day I did. He increased one of my medications, but I still have some personal work to do.

The social worker I see, suggested I find something to keep me busy. I remembered that I already have that here with you guys. So I’ve come full circle, running with open arms, back to my online family. I’m right back where I started, but now I’m healthier and happier.

And I’m taking it, one day at a time.

12

Surrender To Reality

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“People do not like to think. 
If one thinks, one must reach conclusions.
 Conclusions are not always pleasant.” 
- Helen Keller

Just like everyone else, my life is a habitual attempt to achieve goals. Reaching, with our arms out in front of us, trying to grasp our greatest moments that we believe have yet to come. It’s a grand pursuit that we all have in common. But in that constant chase, the difference between most people and me is the fear that my highest achievements in life are behind me. I worry that my best days are now only realized through reminiscing.

Once MS took over my body, I re-entered the world as a different person. I have a pain that no one sees, my confidence is tested everyday and I have to accept that I can’t do all the things I use to do. The hardest part is learning to live in my new normals. I need to not fight it so much; instead I have to learn to accomplish things within my limitations. I need to surrender to reality. Once I do that, then I’ll be able to face the truth and concentrate on legitimate existing solutions and answers in my pursuit of happiness.

I must remember that I don’t possess my future. No one does. My new goal is to focus on what’s happening at this instant. Living in the moment.

Reminiscing can be fun but when you play the past over and over in your head, it becomes impossible to focus on happily living in the now.

26

A Crabby Night

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“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail”. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last weekend was our 11th wedding anniversary as well as my 39th birthday. One big ball of milestones headed directly towards me. The end of an era. My 30s to be exact while also the celebration of a wonderful partnership with my husband.

The plan was to head downtown. Stay overnight at a hotel and get something to eat. Everything was going great and then came dinner.

Have you ever eaten snow crabs?

Have you seen them before?

Well I have, but sometimes I have selective memory. I forgot how hard it is to eat them. First off, I could not crack the crab. So instead, I pulled each leg off causing juice to fly all over me. Keep in mind that I have problems with fine motor skills. It’s hard for me to button my shirts and hold things. But for some reason I thought I could conquer these crabs.

After I failed at my attempt to eat the crabs, I saw that my table was a mess and I was covered from head to toe with crabmeat. But I was still determined to have a nice dinner. Thank goodness we were at a buffet, so I did have other choices of food. To help out our waitress, I cleaned my immediate surroundings then I politely picked up another plate and started over with a different entrée. So the dinner was not a total loss.

FYI, I did leave a nice tip.

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