Acceptance Archive

Why I Cry

– 29 January, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, chronic illness, Depression, health, Lesions, MS, Sadness

Why I Cry

I feel like crying all day. I’ve been at it for 2 hours, so I’m well on my way. My husband says I’ve been acting differently. I guess he should know because he understands me better than anyone else and that sometimes includes myself. Once again he is right. I am acting different. But, it’s not because of something he did. It’s because I am different. I am a different person. Perhaps he’s thinking of the old me. We both must miss the old me. But no one misses her more than me.

That’s why I cry.

Right now I don’t know who I am. I know who I was. But I can’t find that person. Sure there’s pieces of the old me here and there but the package has changed. The person I see now is a stranger. That’s not me in the mirror. I’m not like that. That person looks older than me. That person looks broken. That person needs help.

I’m independent. I’m strong. I’m authoritative. The person I see in the mirror is none of that. No one listens to her. No one takes her seriously. When she talks she stumbles on her words and her speech is slurred. When she is amongst strangers you can feel the pity in the air and see it in their eyes as they speak to her. But how can you blame them because when I look at her I pity her too.

I know I should embrace her but it’s hard. Every picture, every memory, every conversation about the old days leaves me longing for my past self. I guess I have to get to know her. So as I sit here looking at her in the mirror she cries for me.

She cries with me.

And even though I’m trying to accept her I still wish she would just go away and bring the old me back. But until then I will recognize her as me and hope everyone else will as well.

As we cry together.

Tags: chronic illness, cry, independence, MS, multiple sclerosis, multiple sclerosis symptoms, progressive disease, Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis

Just Tired

Nicole Lemelle

– 22 January, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, health, Moving forward, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

Tired of MS

I feel as if I’m writing today with a imaginary gun pointed at my head. Ironically, I say that because I’ve finally reached a point in my life where things are okay. Well, I’m embracing my limitations.

So, with that being said I did’t feel I had anything to share. I’m happy. Who wants to hear about that??? It’s sad, but my most popular posts are never the upbeat ones! My husband on the other hand really wants me to keep writing. In fact he is acting as if it is detrimental to my continued well-being and also this marriage! How about that? He says I don’t do well without having something constructive to contribute to.

Now, in the past this may have been true. But I refuse to admit this to him.

Meanwhile, I have finally started reading a book another blogger at Diva on Detour recommended to me some time ago. It is called “You Are Not Your Illness”.

It took me so long to open it up because deep down I really did believe I was my illness. I had trouble seeing it any other way. But I love some of the lessons I’m gaining from this book. One of the very first things I read is that God has chosen me for this journey. I never thought about it like that. It was always, “Why me?” But to hear that I was chosen seemed to shift responsibility back to me. Meaning, I can do the best that I can with this and possibly even help others out there in similar situations.

It’s funny that I would say that, because that’s exactly what I’m doing here. I’m just tired that’s all. Just tired.

Tags: chronic illness, limitations, MS, multiple sclerosis, writing

Redefining Normal

Nicole Lemelle

– 15 January, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, chronic illness, health, Independence, Moving forward, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

Life can be like a puzzle. I am bad at puzzles.

“I am who I am and that’s all I got.” Beverly Lober

This was the last line of a blog I just read. This New Year I haven’t made any resolutions, but after reading that line I suddenly wanted to lean toward greater acceptance of what is. Yes, I’ve been talking about that for just about the entire time I’ve had this blog.

Believe it or not, talking about it has helped. But in the face of new symptoms or just spiraling health in general, I question how closely I’m heeding my own words. In essence, I’m talking the talk but not walking the walk. Do you remember that saying?

Lately my endurance has dwindled to nothing. The functionality of my fine motor skills in both hands is decreasing. This makes simple things like flipping on a light switch challenging. I believe something is happening with my speech. People are always asking me to repeat myself. Lastly, I can’t walk. I know somewhere out there is someone worse off, so I apologize if I offend you or come across poorly.

I try to pray.

I find myself again entering a new normal. That transition part is the hardest every time. You have to redefine who you are all over again. That or either get to a point where you don’t define yourself by what you can or cannot do.

That’s it! I think I’ve stumbled upon something here.

Though I write a lot about Buddha, I pray to my heavenly Father. I have purpose just the way I am.

We all do.

Tags: acceptance, blog, buddha, god, health, MS, multiple sclerosis

Imperfect Present

Nicole Lemelle

– 7 January, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, Moving forward, MS

I am playing the cards that were dealt to me.

2013. Happy New Year. Wow, we made it! To be honest, I never thought I would be this disabled ever! But here I am and I’m going to give it my all. Don’t get me wrong I do get down because of my situation. Things just aren’t the way I would like them to be but I know that my attitude today is of utmost importance. I truly believe in diligently playing the hand you’ve been dealt, multiple sclerosis and all!

My new surroundings make things nice. Even though right now I’m truly content, I still just keep waiting for things to not be so difficult and trying. When is it going to get easier? I know I have a progressive disease, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept the new found limitations I face.

In the beginning, like most I was relapsing remitting, now I’m secondary progressive. What’s next? Do I just continue to slowly lose abilities?

The sad thing is, I think so.

That’s why in the face of this unforgiving reality it would behoove us to make the most of what we have. Even if what you have is unacceptable to your former self.

The answer for me is to strive to be continually grateful for my imperfect present.

John Lennon always has great quotes.

Tags: 2013, chronic illness, happy new year, John Lennon, limitations, MS, multiple sclerosis, new year, progressive disease, relapsing remitting, The Beatles

Adapting To MS

Nicole Lemelle

– 28 December, 2012Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, Independence, Moving forward, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

Me and MS are forever intertwined. I hate u MS.

I come here weekly simply sharing what’s happening in my life. I wish every blog I write wasn’t about multiple sclerosis, but it is. It’s hard for me to discern where MS stops and I start. We are forever intertwined. I’ve got to accept that.

But not today!

My husband and I are still unpacking from our latest relocation. It’s been a learning process. I now know it’s okay for me to stay in the background. I remained out of the way while practicing patience. I sat on the side watching in silence. I didn’t unpack or pack a thing. I didn’t lift a finger. Doing nothing proved to be very difficult for me. I guess in hindsight I could have completely left the scene, stayed with family a few days and returned to the finished product. But, if I had, I wouldn’t have learned my newest lesson.

So far the best thing that has come out of this ‘grueling’ move is my new bedroom set. You see my last bedroom furniture was rather tall. I had problems reaching the top drawers on my dresser and my bed was so high it actually came with stairs. No joke. I think it’s a southern thing. Each night my husband, Tommy, had to physically put me in the bed. Under normal circumstances this would be deemed romantic.

Not in my case.

I needed stair to get into my old bed.

The new bed is a platform bed with a mattress and bunkie board instead of a box spring. It’s much lower to the ground than common beds and it definitely does not require steps of any sort to access. In essence, it’s like you are sleeping on the floor. It’s definitely not for everyone but just right for Tom and I.

I got in bed last night with no assistance, no need for anyone’s help. I felt capable and independent. I was so excited. It made the whole move worthwhile. Maybe adapting to MS instead of continually fighting is the way to go? I’m not sure if I will be able to continually do that but it definitively worked out for me this time. What a great way to start off the New Year. I couldn’t be happier.

Happy New Year!

Tags: bed, blog, box spring, buckie board, happy new year, lesson, moving, MS, multiple sclerosis, new year, platform bed, relocation

Letting Go

Nicole Lemelle

– 25 December, 2012Posted in: Acceptance, chronic illness, health, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Walking

It’s challenging when situations arise and the best thing you can do is…do nothing at all.

We are in the middle of moving from our apartment to the condo we just bought. Things actually, went fairly smooth. My husband did most of the packing and we hired a moving company to transport our furniture and possessions. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle I felt overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we had. Then my husband reminded me that we basically have the same amount of stuff now as we had three years ago when we moved in our apartment. We live humbly.

Slowly, I realized what the real problem was. The last time we moved I could physically help out and now, riddled with multiple sclerosis, I cannot. Three years ago, I could actually pack boxes and lift a few things and function independently in general.

I begin feeling like a useless shell of my former self. My husband saw my impending mental collapse and gently pushed me toward the things he knew I could handle. I changed our mailing address online. I took care of the electricity and cable needs with a few phone calls. I coordinated with a contractor to help us modify a bathroom. I met with the condo manager to ensure the condo association was on board. These things made me feel relatively useful and temporarily fulfilled.

My feeling of accomplishment was temporary because by the time we were in the new place among piles of boxes and scattered furniture I became a prisoner in my own home. I couldn’t safely hobble about nor use the scooter. I was a walking, no pun intended, fall risk. This frustrated the hell out of me!

Again, I fell forward… right into my computer. Not literally, although that very well could have been the case. I mean I found something I could do. Talk to you guys! So I sat back chatted on Facebook and Twitter and let my husband take control of the moving process.

Later I began feeling silly for basically just feeling sorry for myself.

I realized that I have better things to do.

Tags: control, facebook, moving, MS, multiple sclerosis, scooter, twitter

Happy Land

Nicole Lemelle

– 10 December, 2012Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, Cooking, Depression, health, Independence, MS, Sadness, Walking

After I got off the cruise ship from my recent vacation and stepped back into my real world, a certain familiar mundane mood came over me. In the past when I would feel slightly depressed, I’d picked up a self-help book and attempt to “fix” myself. I guess this time I got a case of cruise lag because I started reading “The Happiness Advantage” by Shawn Achor.

I still openly lament the fact that I can’t safely walk alone, cook on a stove and I miss I the independence I use to take for granted. Okay, that’s enough of that; I think you get my point.

To be honest, I believe that if all these things were somehow given back to me, I would automatically be happy. It’s similar to the way one may believe that happiness will come when they lose weight or get that big job or promotion. But the thing is when we do get it we are happy for awhile then the bar gets raised and suddenly there’s something else a little farther off into the distance we need to be happy again. It’s like a never-ending journey to “Happy Land”.

This book has presented to me an entirely new concept. I’m only on page 80 of 210 but this is what I got so far. It basically shows us how to leverage the power of positive thinking in our lives. It says that we must be happy first where we are and then you can be more motivated and productive. In other words, happiness precedes important outcomes and indicators of thriving. The most interesting thing to me is that our external circumstances predict only 10 percent of our happiness. It’s teaching me to constantly scan my life looking for positive possibilities dormant in every situation.

The book’s author goes on to explain different exercises and principles that are very realistic. No, I’m not talking about a bunch of positive fluffy mumbo jumbo. That’s not really my thing. The lady who recommended the book to me is also in a wheelchair with multiple sclerosis and she said it has helped her cope. I took her recommendation to heart because a few years ago I think I may have overestimated the negative effects that living in a wheelchair would leave on my life. And so far this book has opened my eyes to new possibilities. I have new ways of looking at the same things.

I’ve decided to adopt an optimistic explanatory style to interpret the world I live in. I’m seeking out the positive. Something I don’t usually revert to. My husband once said that if I won the lottery, I’d be worried about paying the taxes! The idea that things are never as bad as we originally think is not a new concept. I just usually blow things way out of proportion.

Achor says it’s about using that downhill momentum to push us in the opposite direction. Now that seems tricky to me but I’m willing to give it a try. The question remains, can a change in my mindset really change the objective world around me?