Authentic Happiness Archive

Unreasonably Happy

– 17 June, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Walking, Wheelchair

I am on a constant quest to get out of my immediate surroundings. I am not having any problems, I just seek to get the most out of my life experience regardless of my physical limitations. In fact, I think it is the limitations I live with that have chiseled out the new me.

Just recently, with the help of my psyche, I joined a local book reading club. The club is located at my local library, which happens to be fairly close by my home. I can actually take my scooter and ride a block to the library by myself. That after all was the original intent. But the idea of heading there alone was a bit scary as most things are with me these days. Because I get so weak so fast and my varying cognition issues I’m afraid I will not be able to handle unforeseen precarious situations. Also the older I get, the less willing I am to veer off by myself. My inner self said that there are plenty things she wouldn’t do now that she would have been more than happy do when she was younger. So maybe it’s a sign of maturity. I’ll take that.

Well the book club has chosen to read an inspirational book geared toward young men. It’s called “Letters to a Young Brother” by Hill Harper. It’s not a book I would’ve chosen on my own. But I figured it might help me relate to my young nephew in an uplifting manner. A friend once told me, I could have a positive influence on my nephew that had nothing to do with multiple sclerosis. I took that and ran with it.

So you could imagine how happy I was to see the underlying current of this book was one could be “unreasonably happy” in life. I think that is a pretty awesome goal to shoot for every single day regardless of your life circumstances.

Unreasonably happy…I like that.

Now if only I could conquer this darn fear.

“Nothing tangible and outside of {myself] can be the source of happiness.” -Hill Harper

Tags: fear, Hill Harper, Letters to a Young Brother, library, limitations, MS, multiple sclerosis, scooter

Network of Caregivers

Nicole Lemelle

– 10 June, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, MS

My mom is the eldest girl of 10 siblings. Most of my feisty aunts regard her in a respectful maternal manner. After all, the younger siblings she practically raised herself, as my grandmother was just plain old tired.

This past weekend when she called upon one of my aunts to take the lead in assisting me with my activities of daily living, my aunt Gail was eager to rise to the occasion. And that she certainly did. Keep in mind we spent the weekend at my mother’s home. She is in the process of making her home handicap accessible for me. So some things were a little more complicated. This particular weekend I needed more help than I do normally. My aunt Gail helped me to take a shower. She in fact, in the process got as wet as I did.

She found herself huffing and puffing as she attempted to help me dress afterwards. She had trouble working with my legs that refused to bend. She was constantly worried about hurting me, but I told her that in actuality I just might hurt her. As she pushed my legs with all her might, she kept asking me, “How many muscle relaxants have you taken?” She’s learning the lingo.

After we finished and I was dressed she sat, took a deep breath and declared,” Remember, I am 59 years old!” Then she politely fixed her jewelry, and hair and got back to work on me.

By the end of the weekend she knew exactly what I needed, what I could do for myself and what I couldn’t do. My mom’s plan worked out beautifully. I simply enjoyed the company and felt like once again my mom saved the day through the help of my aunt Gail. I love them both!

It helps to have a network of caregivers if you can.

Tags: aunt, caregiver, handicap accessible, mother, MS, multiple sclerosis, muscle relaxants, sister, symptoms

Can You Relate?

Nicole Lemelle

– 3 June, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Walker, Walking, Wheelchair

Sometimes it’s nice being amongst those who can sincerely relate to and understand me.

Despite the sun sucking the energy right out of me at 85° Fahrenheit, I sat outside a local park coffee shop for an hour and a half and mingled with a newfound friend. She just may have thought I was drunk because I was so giddy to be in her company.

She’s actually the group leader of my local MS support group. I’ve been complaining about being lonely and bored. Lately I’ve felt confined to this condo. Once its newness wore off reality set in.

Thanks to the quasi independence my power chair affords me, I can continually visit the lobby, the mailboxes, and the sitting area. I’ve befriended just about all the employees in the building. I wonder if when they see me they say, “Oh my here she comes again.” Regardless, I love getting dressed and yelling to Tommy, “I’ll be back soon!”

I am beginning to almost physically feel the degrees of separation between my closest friends and I expanding. It’s no ones fault. It’s just a function of time, proximity and the business of life. I mentioned I was bored and lonely in my monthly MS support group meeting. The next day the leader called me up and invited me out for coffee! What a trooper.

Don’t get me wrong, horseback riding and Tommy are great. I just need more female camaraderie. The point is sometimes you’ve just got to go out and get what you want for yourself. And that’s exactly what I did.

In turn that makes me feel…well…PROUD!!!

Plus my sister is coming back in town Friday. It can’t get any better than that.

Tags: city park new orleans, friends, independence, motorized power chair, ms group, wheelchair

MS and Relationships

Nicole Lemelle

– 6 May, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

I’m sure we’ve all felt this way in one way or another. You don’t have to have a chronic disease to feel this way. I want to be all that can be for those whom I love around me. Due to one excuse or another I find that I am not.

I just realized, I’m not the big sister I want to be. I may be falling short. I’ve been so wrapped up in what’s going on with me.

You know I rely heavily on my husband, Tommy. If you follow this blog you also know that my parents are more involved in my life than I’d like to admit. But I don’t often talk about my dearly beloved little sister. She’s six or seven years younger depending on the time of year. She’s taller than me and she has an adorable 10 year-old son. Actually, she was taller than me long before I was in a wheelchair. She’s opinionated and feisty. Even family members tend to think she’s the oldest. She always owns the room with her bigger than life personality. I admire that.

I worry that I’m not giving my “little” sister the attention that she deserves. People I trust have rightfully called me selfish in the past. I have to consider that I’ve let my illness cover up the rest of me; including my fragile relationships. My sister and I have the same ups and downs as most siblings; I may just scrutinize ours a bit more.

I have a lot of work to do in living with MS and letting people in at the same time. I know that who I am inside, multiple sclerosis cannot touch… unless I let it. I know that she loves me too, despite MS. As a matter of fact, I’m sure that my disability matters more to me than her.

So, as I sit here anxiously awaiting her short visit from out of state, I cross my fingers and hope that all goes well.

I can’t wait to see her!

Tags: chronic illness, MS, multiple sclerosis, sisiter

All Is Well

Nicole Lemelle

– 21 March, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, New Orleans

I can remember years ago when the focus of my life wasn’t multiple sclerosis. There was a time when I wrote emails that didn’t pertain to MS and the subject didn’t dominate my every conversation. But unfortunately those days are over.

It bothers me that my “new” life is all about MS. Sometimes I forget that there’s more to me than multiple sclerosis.

I use to think it regrettable that you guys didn’t know me before MS. I was so active. But now that I think about it, I’m still very active. It’s just a different type of active. I participate in riding horses on a local farm. I’m even presently seeking out more MSers to join me through the National MS Society. I do modified physical workouts, I study the Spanish language, I blog and write and I read incessantly. Lastly I watch as much TV as I can fit into my schedule. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

So, what do you do in your free time?

I wanted you to know that life is not all bad. We may have to plan a little more than others, but life is not all bad. The horrible stuff just makes for better reading.

Thanks to you guys, I now know that the woman I am beneath the MS continues to shine through and most importantly that there’s more to us than multiple sclerosis!

Tags: ALS, chronic illness, Morrie Schwartz, MS, MSers, multiple sclerosis, National MS Society, therapeutic horseback riding, workout

Another New Drug

Nicole Lemelle

– 16 March, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, Moving forward, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

What do you think about the new oral pill BG-12 for MS?

It’s still going through rigorous trials and the last I heard it would not be out until March of this year. Moreover, it’s intended for patients with the more common form relapsing-remitting MS. I on the other hand have an advanced case of secondary progressive MS. I have tried many different medical therapies and I’m starting to feel like a pig grubbing on table scraps thrown his way.

“The two new studies, published online in The New England Journal of Medicine, found that the drug BG-12, developed by Biogen Idec, reduced relapse rates in patients with relapsing MS by about 50 percent. The drug also significantly reduced the frequency of new brain lesions often associated with these attacks, and slowed the progression of disease compared with a placebo.”

Will you switch therapies? Or better yet, how emotionally invested are you in what you’re taking now? Personally, I’m not attached to Copaxone at all. I’ve seen a continual decline since I’ve been on it.

I get confused though; because all these drug treatments are simply supposed to slow the progression down, not necessarily halt it. So am I asking for too much from a pharmaceutical treatment? Or are they helping on levels I’m not acknowledging?

I do realize that if I wasn’t actually taking anything, I could be much worse. I just learned of another blogger whose ill health lead him to end his life! Despite all my complaining, I’m nowhere near his physical state and I thank God everyday for that gift. I do respect his choice, as I wasn’t living his plight. I feel deeply heartbroken for him and his family. I somehow think the best homage I can pay is to continue doing what I can. BG-12, Baclofen, Pumo or not. (By the way I decided not to pursue the pump I mentioned in an earlier post.)

This time around I won’t get my hopes up on this BG-12 therapy. I’m going to continue my relatively full schedule of modified workouts, horseback riding, writing and spending time with family and friends.

After all, it can’t get much better than that, right?

Tags: baclofen pump, BG 12, biogen, chronic disease, Copaxone, disability, horseback riding, MS, MS pill, multiple sclerosis, relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis, Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, switching therapy, therapeutic horseback riding, treating multiple sclerosis

Searching For Positive

Nicole Lemelle

– 11 March, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, Authentic Happiness, chronic illness, health, MS

I hate multiple sclerosis. I hate myself for getting it even more.

I really don’t hate myself I just get so mad sometimes. I just don’t know who to be mad at.

So who’s to blame?

I guess no one.

Since I really have no one to point my anger towards, sometimes I just internalize the resentment. I try to stay positive but it doesn’t always work. Everyday at some point, doubt creeps into my mind about my ability to maintain this battle against the catastrophic effects of MS. It causes everything to be put on hold and defers episodes of my life. MS is constantly evolving; sometimes everything is okay and the next day a crisis occurs. It’s like a dark cloud continuously hanging over my head causing me to repeatedly look for a break in the storm.

Everyday I dream of a silver lining that will nudge me forward when it seems that all hope is gone. Those rays of sunshine that help me make it through the day. And just when I am about to give up, it reveals itself. Sometimes it isn’t obvious and I may miss it at first, but once I open myself up to receive it and pay attention…BAM! There it is!

It might be a call from a friend or a message from a stranger on the Internet. Sometimes it’s the FedEx guy delivering a package and asking me how’s my week going. The other day I was feeling tired and weak then I remembered it was my mother’s birthday and I temporarily felt better.

I have never won the lottery but these rays of sunshine that I receive everyday are at least a small blissful equivalent. I believe something positive always appears after something negative has happened. So whenever I’m down because of a symptom I try to look for the positive that I know is coming.

Tags: chronic illness, Depression, happiness, MS, ms sucks, multiple sclerosis, postive