Authentic Happiness Archive

13

Hope Killer

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“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Last week, while at physical therapy, I fainted and was unresponsive. As a result, my therapist called 911.

When I regained consciousness, two EMS paramedics were standing over me checking my pulse. After a quick analysis, they found my blood pressure had dropped low enough for them to insist I be taken to a nearby hospital.

So off I went, flashing lights and sirens blasting, for the second time in two months. My husband, who by now is a professional at this, followed behind the ambulance in our car.

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Once I got to the hospital, the staff ran an array of test on me. After four hours of observation, all of my vital signs were back to normal but they still had no idea why I fell unconscious.

The doctors came into the room and told me I could go home and suggested I follow up their exams with a visit to my primary doctor. They concluded, the incident was do to multiple sclerosis.

I was told, “You are going to be discharged, because there is nothing more we can do for you”.

When I heard his declaration, it cut through me like a knife. I never knew words from a stranger could hurt so much. It was so strong and powerful; a deep wound was put on my hope of ever getting better.

14

The Blessings

That’s me in church looking for answers.

“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.” ~ William James

For years I have been randomly saying prayers. The process brings me clarity and seems to slow everything down when life gives me more than I can handle. But lately, I pretty much have given up on performing the ritual of kneeling while praying. It just takes up too much of my energy and nine times out of ten I need assistance to kneel down and get back up. The same goes with praying while standing. I can stand, with help, for about 30 seconds without swaying but that’s about it. Then after all that standing I require ten minutes of rest. I needed another option.

My alternative to kneeling and standing is to sit quietly and bow my head. I can do it in my wheelchair or on the ground in the park.

Also, instead of designated times, I say prayers whenever I have a free moment. It can be at anytime, like when waiting in a line or riding in the car. I just close my eyes and say a little prayer.

Unfortunately, in recent years, most of my prayers have been purely selfish. I ask for the same thing every time. I just want to be “normal”.

After praying that same prayer nearly everyday, I began to think my efforts were in vain. Now I believe I was missing the lesson.

Every time I wake up and feel great for five minutes, that’s my blessing. When I am able to make it to the bathroom without help, that’s the blessing.

The small victories are my blessings. A “normal” person doesn’t see a blessing in being able to walk alone to get the mail or putting on clothes without help. I now see how special life is and recognize the miracles we perform and take for granted everyday.

I just want to say thank you for the blessings and allowing me to notice them.

12

Reaching Goals

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“If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don’t feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there’s too much that I still want to do.” ~ Richard Pryor

Life is a habitual attempt to achieve goals. Reaching, with arms out in front of us, trying to grasp our greatest moments we believe have yet to come. It’s a grand pursuit we all have in common. But in that constant chase, the difference between most people and myself is the fear my main successes in life are behind me. I worry my best days are now only realized through reminiscing.

Once MS took over my body, I re-entered the world as a different person. I have a pain no one sees, my confidence is tested everyday and I have to accept I can’t do all the things I use to do. The hardest part is learning to live with my new normals. I need to not fight it so much; instead I have to learn to accomplish things within my limitations.

I still have goals I want to reach. Just on a smaller scale. Like in the past, I had ambitions to jog at the park three times a week. These days I can no longer run. So instead of running, my new goal is to ride my scooter around the track twice a month.

I must remember I don’t possess my future. No one does. Reminiscing can be fun but when you play the past over and over in your head, it becomes impossible to concentrate on happily living in the now. My new objective is to focus on what’s happening at this instant. Living in the moment. And no matter what, I have to keep trying to achieve goals.

10

Standing Up To MS

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“Either I will find a way, or I will make one.” ~ Philip Sidney

I have been bound to my wheelchair for two years. I can no longer safely use a walker or cane. I am also not strong enough to “wall walk” anymore. Therefore, the chair has become an extension of my body, which I rely on 100% to provide me with mobility.

I realize using a wheelchair is not a horrible experience or the end of the world. It’s actually a really good thing. It enables me to get around and be more independent than I would be without it.

But I must admit, since I am always sitting, some days I just want to stand up for a little while. Just to give my backside some relief from the constant pressure. Usually, I only get to stand up when I am transferring to another chair or too lay down. But during a recent visit to my physical therapist, I was introduced to a walking sling.

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The sling helps lift me from a seated to a standing position. It provides upper body support and gives me enough freedom of movement to engage in exercises and physical therapy. When I first saw it, I didn’t believe it would actually help me. But it does. My core feels stronger.

When I’m in the sling, I can stand for 20 minutes. Hopefully, as I use it more, I can extend my time even further. I am usually so tired after my session I have to take a nap.

Multiple Sclerosis has taken away so many of my abilities. With the walking sling, I get a chance to stand up to MS. And in my own way, give the disease the finger.

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14

My Own Pace

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“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost

My body seems to find a new disaster every week, so why should this instance be any different. I just know it’s going to be one of those days.

I’m weak. I’m tired. I’m frustrated.

It’s like the odds are stacked against me. My life is starting to feel like a game and I keep getting sent back to start.

The world can move very quickly. Because of that tempo, I find myself being absent-minded for more times than I would like to admit. I see everyone moving at the speed of light, while I’m slowing down. I get lost during basic conversations. My memory has begun to leave me. I’m not able to construct whole ideas. My thoughts are choppy images and concepts that I try to piece together. My reasoning is impracticable as I struggle to think of the words to use in simple everyday situations. I am constantly apologizing and asking people to please forgive me for my lack of attention to detail.

I’ve become detached from everything because my mind is focused on more pressing efforts. Like trying not to fall as I attempt to go into the next room or remembering why I was even going into that room.

Between texting, phone calls and the Internet, everyone I know is always “plugged in”. They are constantly moving. I’m starting to realize, I have to live at my own speed. I can’t keep up with everyone else nor should I have too.

Once I learn to give up what I want, for how it is, I will be in a much more satisfying position. Then I’ll be able to experience the sweetness, not just the bitterness of life. And that can only happen when I start living at my own pace.

24

Sunshine And Rainbows

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“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” ― Khaled Hosseini

Yesterday, after a doctor’s appointment, I got in my car and the radio was playing “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. I really like that song. Hearing it makes me feel so good.

The next song to play was “Rolling In The Deep” by Adele. I’m married but I can still relate to its “lost love” inference.

The melancholy message of “Rolling In The Deep” is totally opposite from the “Happy” song. Nevertheless, I love them both.

I see my blog as comparable to that radio station’s sequential music programming. Consequently, sometimes it’s happy and sometimes it’s sad.

Recently, I received a few comments and emails asking me why my posts are so negative. For those people that asked, I’ve decided to answer them here.

I didn’t realize so many of my posts were perceived as negative. I went back and looked and from my count most aren’t negative. They just reflect my life. I write about my journey living with MS. In doing so, I chronicle my experiences and feelings. And just like that radio station’s playlist, sometimes I’m up and sometimes I’m down.

Unfortunately, my life is not a Hallmark card. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. If I pretended it was, this blog would be full of lies. I promised myself that my writings will only tell the truth and sometimes that truth is ugly. So if I can’t always see the bright side of living with a chronic debilitating disease, please forgive me.

I am just like everyone else, I have my good days and I have my bad days. And I’m happy to say that my good days out number my bad.

10

The Power Of The Chair

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“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you.” ~Mother Teresa

I own two power chairs. One is portable and the other is heavy-duty. Due to limited space in my home, the heavy-duty chair has been stored at my parent’s house. I never use it and it just sits in their dining room taking up space. My parents didn’t mind it staying there, but it bothered me. So last week I decided it has been at my parent’s house long enough and it was time to sell it.

So, what did I do? I took some pictures of it and tried to sale it on Facebook. I thought it was a good idea, but apparently…no one else did. Not one call.

Plan B was to give it away. I wish I had done that from the start.

I connected with my local MS Society and they gave me some leads of people who were in need. After a few days, I was able to connect with a fellow MSer who needed a power chair.

I recruited my dad to handle the specifics and the actual transfer of the chair. He’s good with that kind of stuff.

The man resides roughly two hours from my parent’s home, but was happy to make the trip. He was so appreciative.

Who knew how rewarding helping someone would be.