Lesions Archive

Why I Cry

– 29 January, 2013Posted in: Acceptance, chronic illness, Depression, health, Lesions, MS, Sadness

Why I Cry

I feel like crying all day. I’ve been at it for 2 hours, so I’m well on my way. My husband says I’ve been acting differently. I guess he should know because he understands me better than anyone else and that sometimes includes myself. Once again he is right. I am acting different. But, it’s not because of something he did. It’s because I am different. I am a different person. Perhaps he’s thinking of the old me. We both must miss the old me. But no one misses her more than me.

That’s why I cry.

Right now I don’t know who I am. I know who I was. But I can’t find that person. Sure there’s pieces of the old me here and there but the package has changed. The person I see now is a stranger. That’s not me in the mirror. I’m not like that. That person looks older than me. That person looks broken. That person needs help.

I’m independent. I’m strong. I’m authoritative. The person I see in the mirror is none of that. No one listens to her. No one takes her seriously. When she talks she stumbles on her words and her speech is slurred. When she is amongst strangers you can feel the pity in the air and see it in their eyes as they speak to her. But how can you blame them because when I look at her I pity her too.

I know I should embrace her but it’s hard. Every picture, every memory, every conversation about the old days leaves me longing for my past self. I guess I have to get to know her. So as I sit here looking at her in the mirror she cries for me.

She cries with me.

And even though I’m trying to accept her I still wish she would just go away and bring the old me back. But until then I will recognize her as me and hope everyone else will as well.

As we cry together.

Tags: chronic illness, cry, independence, MS, multiple sclerosis, multiple sclerosis symptoms, progressive disease, Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis

Forever Grateful

Nicole Lemelle

– 16 October, 2012Posted in: Acceptance, chronic illness, health, Independence, Lesions, Moving forward

I don’t know how I would be able to manage this horrific disease if I didn’t have so many beautiful people in my life. I receive so much love and support and I would like to thank my family, friends, and Internet buddies for all their encouragement and assistance. I wrote these words especially for you.

You always see the smoke before the fire
When my spirits are down you lift them higher

You remember for me when I forget
You steady the needle before you inject

You talk for me when I can’t speak
And hold me up when I am weak

You stand for me when legs will not
Just hearing your laugh makes the pain stop

You’re my best friend, my shinning star
When I need help you’re never too far

You say you understand when I know it’s a lie
But I appreciate your empathy it helps me get by

You still ask my opinion when a decision is made
Even though my past judgments should make you afraid

You’re always there anytime of day
When I reject everyone you come anyway

I hear you cry when you think I’m not there
You carrying my burden just isn’t fair

Despite all my moaning, complaining, and strife
You still keep me in your life

This disease is so very hard to live with alone
You have embraced when most would disown

Thank you family and friends for all that you give
I will be forever grateful for as long as I live

Tags: brother, caregiver, familly, father, friends, husband, mother, sister, thank you, wife

Making New Memories

Nicole Lemelle

– 14 February, 2012Posted in: Acceptance, chronic illness, Depression, health, Lesions, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Sadness

Did you know that MS can cause cognitive losses? Things like decision-making, memory, and reasoning are often impaired. I know this, but it’s not so easy to quantify or easily identify.

Years ago, shortly after being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, I remembered feeling as if something was off. I admit my vision wasn’t normal, but in addition to the vision issues, things weren’t coming to me as easily as before. Was it something I invented after receiving a diagnosis of an incurable chronically progressive debilitating disease? Maybe or maybe not, but as you know I didn’t let the news stop me.

I remember when I was still working and a colleague asked me about cognitive losses. I’m not sure why he asked. I never bothered to find out either. Had I missed something? Again, I don’t know, I do know his moral character was questionable at best. I dismissed him by responding that it exists, but it’s very taboo and not mentioned lightly. This amounted to my way of politely asking him to mind his own business. I figured we were competing for sales and he couldn’t have had my best interest in mind.

It’s been over a decade since my diagnosis and I know my intellectual acuity has to have been affected somehow. Thank goodness I’m surrounded by supportive family and friends. They may not even know they are witnessing my snail like cognitive decline. Sometimes I can hear my less than articulate speech. I can feel the aggravation of those I’m conversing with. I just take a deep breath and start over again.

These days I am aware of when I am overwhelmed. I’ll simply ask for more time to make decisions. If I feel safe, I’ll be direct and acknowledge that it’s too much information for me to process. Sometimes I have trouble recalling simple words. The other day I asked my husband to hand me that handheld thing on the countertop that sucks messes up. He said, “You mean the dust buster?”

When I got upset about not being able to remember the name he replied, “Don’t worry, we’ll make new memories.”

Tags: cognitive, memory loss, MS, multiple sclerosis

Too Many To Count

Nicole Lemelle

– 5 December, 2011Posted in: chronic illness, health, Lesions, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

A friend recently asked me, “What is Multiple Sclerosis?” I was honored that she wanted to know. I hope this helps.

This graphic basically explains the nature of how Multiple Sclerosis works. I don’t expound on this because there are numerous sites that do, but I can explain how it effects me. Before I go any further I just want to remind family and friends that although there is no cure for M.S., it is agreed upon that it is a disease of the brain and spinal cord. Although, this time honored theory is presently under fire! But for now just know that M.S. patients experience problems based on the location of these plaques or lesions. This is why everyone experiences MS differently. In fact you can have lesions on parts of the brain that you don’t use.

Above is an MRI scan, basically a picture of a brain. You can see the one on the left has no white spots (lesions) and the one on the right does have lesions. And that my dear is the culprit of Multiple Sclerosis! I don’t know when they came, but the bloody bastards appeared and slowly began to not only alter the physical geography of my brain, but also my life as well. It took me a while but I’m starting to appreciate how it affects my family and my husband. Since I have MS, my husband, mom, dad, and sister do too! In fact we all have to deal with my MS the best way we know how. It’s been a long time yet, I know I am still learning!

The doctors are quick to tell you about physical aspects of the disease. To name a few: fatigue, tingling, numbness, loss of balance, weakness, and blurred vision, but I felt less prepared to deal with the emotional roller coaster I would soon be on. Sometimes disability bring on denial, depression and dependence on others. Defense mechanisms can be cruel and insidious. Denial can masquerade as your best friend, but can be the very thing that causes a complete meltdown! It serves to separate me from what is.

The brain on the right has about 7 or 8 lesions. As I have said before the doctor told me I had “too-many-to-count”!!! I’ve told you that this illness is nibbling away at my idenity as I once knew it. When I’m at my lowest state of mind, I declare I am but a scaffold of what I use to be. But another blogger has challenged me to build a new life, a new identity, a new structure if you will, on the skeleton that I have now.

I can pursue my desires within the context of my limitations. I still think this is a horrible despicable disease that strikes those we love. But now I can finally have time to take a Spanish class. I can pursue my bliss. I can spend time with my family. I have a definitive boundary between what I can and cannot do, and that infuriates me! I haven’t made it to acceptance, but at this point, I just may be headed in the right direction.

Tags: defense mechanisms, face of MS, lesions, M.S., MRI, multiple sclerosis

Lesions

Nicole Lemelle

– 11 April, 2011Posted in: intro, Lesions, MS, Multiple Sclerosis

Dr. Jesus Lovera of Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center in New Orleans, La

I went to see my neurologist. I’ve mentioned before how these visits are usually stress-ridden experiences, which again makes no sense, because at this point I AM living what was formerly my worst nightmare. Put in a different way, this horrendous dream has become my present day reality! Mind-blowing!

My first AFO (ankle-foot orthosis)

The beginnings of my custom AFO.

Ankle-foot orthosis: A brace (usually plastic) worn on the lower leg and foot to support the ankle, hold the foot and ankle in the correct position, and correct foot-drop. Abbreviated AFO. Also known as a foot-drop brace.

This visit my imagination was equipped with potential neurological instruments that I envisioned propelling me back into the land of ”the walking.”

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These Bioengineered devices like the WalkAide and the NESS L300 are legitimate, just not for me…not right now at least.

I’m the kind of lady that salesmen love. After all, I am a nurse with a sales mentality!

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Okay, don’t fret. I still stand by my mantra of accepting new “normals,” but that doesn’t make things easier or smoother. (Click here.) Remember, it’s the transition into that normal that is the hardiest.

When I asked the doctor how many lesions (white splotches). I had on my brain and spinal cord and he responded with, “too many to count!”

I thought I would lose it right there on his exam table!

In the midst of my impending full blown mental breakdown, my husband once again pointed out, “The only difference between today and yesterday is the fact that you now know.” This is his go to rationalization, as he used it 11 years ago the day I was first diagnosed too!
Worked then and saved the day today too!

Which once again in an odd way, if right now I’m living with MY worst nightmare recently known as, “too many lesions to count.”

I guess I’m tolerating this new normal quite tenaciously.

Who knew?