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Imperfect Present

I am playing the cards that were dealt to me.

2013. Happy New Year. Wow, we made it! To be honest, I never thought I would be this disabled ever! But here I am and I’m going to give it my all. Don’t get me wrong I do get down because of my situation. Things just aren’t the way I would like them to be but I know that my attitude today is of utmost importance. I truly believe in diligently playing the hand you’ve been dealt, multiple sclerosis and all!

My new surroundings make things nice. Even though right now I’m truly content, I still just keep waiting for things to not be so difficult and trying. When is it going to get easier? I know I have a progressive disease, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept the new found limitations I face.

In the beginning, like most I was relapsing remitting, now I’m secondary progressive. What’s next? Do I just continue to slowly lose abilities?

The sad thing is, I think so.

That’s why in the face of this unforgiving reality it would behoove us to make the most of what we have. Even if what you have is unacceptable to your former self.

The answer for me is to strive to be continually grateful for my imperfect present.

John Lennon always has great quotes.

37 thoughts on “Imperfect Present”
  1. Nicole Lemelle 26 June, 2014on3:49 PM Reply

    A, No, I do not know

  2. Berlena Staton 14 January, 2013on1:13 PM Reply

    You are truly an inspiration!!

  3. Olivia 12 January, 2013on7:27 PM Reply

    Awesome! Sending you love and light.

  4. michelle 12 January, 2013on2:08 AM Reply

    Happy New Year!! It is like you wrote exactly what I was thinking. I was at the doctor’s yeaterday. And my abilities to are slowly leaving and all I acan do is slowly watch them go. Keep a smile on my face and knww that I am surounded by those that love me. Dance in the rain and just keep my head up. I just found your post and like it muchly, Take care of you and keeping you in my thoughts.
    michlbelle 🙂

    • Nicole Lemelle 12 January, 2013on11:32 AM Reply

      Michelle, I’m glad you found me! No pun intended. I just realized yesterday that this road is most likely not going to get ant easier, I can though get better at taking the bumps.

  5. Priscilla 11 January, 2013on2:03 PM Reply

    Happy New Year, Nicole. Thanks again for a realistic and uplifting post. Being grateful for the imperfect present; how profound! Thanks for sharing such honest thoughts and feelings. They encourage and inspire me. Blessings to you and yours in the new year.

    • Nicole Lemelle 11 January, 2013on3:59 PM Reply

      Priscilla, Thanks. You have a great New Year too.

  6. Katherine 9 January, 2013on8:59 AM Reply

    Happy new year — I am back to my blog for the first time in a year (or more?) and was so sad to see I had missed your own comments. Even worse that I had missed out on your own writings because they speak to my own heart and give me both solace and hope. Thank you for everything you are here (and elsewhere). And if I find out when it stops being so hard all the time, I will totally share that info. Much love.

    • Nicole Lemelle 9 January, 2013on12:44 PM Reply

      Katherine, Thanks for reading my thoughts. For them to give you so much is more than I can ask for!

  7. Lisa H 9 January, 2013on3:13 AM Reply

    I am so sorry you are having these problems. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

    Easier said than done but it works for me, so far. When I had cancer I really held on to the one piece of life I could control and it was my attitude.

    Your fear and pain are valid. No doubt. Your limitations are so very unfortunate but Nicole your good attitude will carry you and make things a bit easier.

    • Nicole Lemelle 9 January, 2013on12:47 PM Reply

      Lisa, thanks for the support. I look forward to your comments…no pressure!

  8. Lorie 9 January, 2013on2:44 AM Reply

    Happy New Year Nicole! It’s nice to hear you are comfortable and content in your new home. I don’t take the little things in life for granted, anymore.

    I’ve been struggling with the blues also, like Arlerha. I remind myself of all the blessings I do have and the things I am able to do.

    I too, never thought I would reach this level of disability. Being SPMS. As my legs get weaker and my balance is fading fast, I’m still waiting for things to get better too, Nicole!

    Thank you for sharing another year with us. Wishing you happiness,’comfort, and love.

    • Nicole Lemelle 9 January, 2013on12:51 PM Reply

      Lorie, We secondary folks need to stick together. It helps. Happy New Year to you too!

      • Lorie 9 January, 2013on2:30 PM Reply

        That’s right!

  9. Tim 8 January, 2013on10:35 PM Reply

    Hi Nicole,
    Great article and I’m sure that if my present circumstance were perfect I would find something to lament over but that’s just me! Our challenges do become overwhelming sometimes and that is my “new normal” which your writings have helped to make a little less surprising. Thank you for being open and honest about your life with MS. As I approach my 7th year since my diagnosis finding your writings has been one of the bright spots for me this past year and I appreciate your ability to express your life experiences in words to share with us. Here is a quote from an unknown author that helps me through some of the more challenging days,

    “life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but about learning to dance in the rain”


    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on11:00 PM Reply

      Tim, What a powerful comment. Thanks so much. I’m honored I to be a bright spot for ya! A girl can’t ask for much more than that!!!!

  10. Robert Parker 8 January, 2013on5:16 PM Reply

    Powerful questions?

    Does one keep losing abilities? Well, yeah, that’s the whole “life” thing… Behold, all flesh is as the grass, and the goodliness of man is as the flower of grass; for lo, the grass withereth, and the flower thereof decayeth. That’s the Good Book version… or, as Super Chicken said more succinctly, “You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.”

    But also, we get better at what we DO do. First day in a wheelchair and fiftieth day are very different. Would I rather not be in a wheelchair at all? Oh yes, but oddly enough… sometimes, it’s kinda fun. And getting better at it, whatever “it” is, is also kinda fun.

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on5:26 PM Reply

      Robert, You’re right losing abilities is the human condition. As it so happens I just got a new power chair that I need to “break in”.

  11. Angela 8 January, 2013on4:42 PM Reply

    WOW! You’ve read my mind and written what’s been on it! This is the difficult hurdle I am also trying to process. After 28 years with MS I’m asking myself, “When will this all stop?”, a question I’ll likely not get an answer to. More and more issues continue to arise leaving me quite down lately. It’s always comforting to know you’re not alone.
    Thank you~

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on4:57 PM Reply

      Angela, Yes. If I’ve learned anything from this blog it’s that I’m not alone. I feel comfortable sharing things here that surprise even me! When it’s bad for me it helps to write it. Who knew?

  12. Sarah C. 8 January, 2013on1:32 PM Reply


    Inspiring and soul-touching, as always.

    “Make the most of what you have, even if what you have is unacceptable to your former self.” That one is going on my desk to read every morning, with your name beneath it.

    Thank you for uplifting my spirits on one of “those” days…

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way,

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on1:42 PM Reply

      Sarah, Thanks so much. That’s really special.

  13. Terry 8 January, 2013on12:44 PM Reply

    So well said, Nicole. Thinking of you, and sending positive vibes of strength, peace and happiness. I love your expressive “imperfect present.”

  14. life well lived 8 January, 2013on10:12 AM Reply

    I take solace in the knowledge everyone has a chronic condition. It’s called life, and as we experience it we will have have a progression of multiple symptoms until we reach the terminus of the ride. I do concede my MS seems to rob me faster than many of my friends my age, but often my symptoms aren’t terribly unlike my parents’ and grand parents’ symptoms through the years. I just have them earlier and some times harsher.

    Yes, I can’t do some of the things I used to find easy. Truth told, I can’t do many of them. For me the important part has always been finding enjoyable, meaningful goals to work towards. The goals may once have been easy, but the amount of effort I put forth to meet them in no way diminishes my enjoyment of the efforts. At least this is the world as I wish my mind to see it. Sometimes I have to remember, I am still in Jedi training on this.

    I’m just glad I have my kids whose struggles seem every bit as big as my own, as they often have to show me (again and again) what it means to get up and try again and why we do it.

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on11:17 AM Reply

      Well lived, Thanks for your insight once again. I tend to be pretty honest around here. I always appreciate your feedback.

  15. April 8 January, 2013on7:57 AM Reply

    I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Thank-you for your blog.

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on11:20 AM Reply

      April, Thanks for reading! It’s nice to have folks that truly understand.

  16. Linda Burke 8 January, 2013on7:45 AM Reply

    I can relate to your current situation, and read something today that may be encouraging. It is from The Daily Love, a wonderful website that has been very helpful to me as I navigate through the challenges of MS I hope it helps you — and thanks for all you are doing!


    “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”

    – Gilda Radner

    “I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it is much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers that might be wrong. If we will only allow that, as we progress, we remain unsure, we will leave opportunities for alternatives. We will not become enthusiastic for the fact, the knowledge, the absolute truth of the day, but remain always uncertain … In order to make progress, one must leave the door to the unknown ajar.”

    – Richard P. Feynman

    “As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.”

    – Pema Chödrön

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on11:43 AM Reply

      Thanks for taking the time to shed light. Sorry to hear about your legs. I’ve noticed the same thing.
      But I’m fortunate to be surrounded by folks that love me through my hills and valleys.

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on11:56 AM Reply

      Linda, I’m apologize for my last comment. I realize now It was someone else that was having the leg issue but I really did read and enjoy your quotes. Don’ worry I haven’t gone crazy…yet!

  17. Arletha 8 January, 2013on5:24 AM Reply

    Hi Nicole,

    Happy New Year to you. I pray it will be a happy one for me. I, too, think about how far this MS is going to take me. I try to keep an uplifted spirit most days. This past month was quite difficult for me. I don’t know why; just feeling kind of blue.I can actually feel my legs getting heavier and weaker. Sometimes that just scares me. But then I start thinking about family and how blessed I am to have them around me.
    I try to remember that I may not be able to control what happens in my life but I can control how I handle what happens in my life.

    Take good care!

    • Nicole Lemelle 8 January, 2013on11:50 AM Reply

      Arletha, YES! If I had a motto that would be it. As I too have been increasing problems with the strength in my legs, I get blue too, but thanks for reminding me of my true goal!

    • Rachel 8 January, 2013on1:08 PM Reply

      Thank you Artetha for that well-said reminder.
      Blessings on you!

    • Sammi 12 January, 2013on2:38 PM Reply

      Arletha, You are being so positive and that’s a good thing. Did you ever think that maybe, subconsciously, the stress of the holidays brought on your heavy leg symptoms? We really need to be conscious of the stresses around us.

      Keep up the positive attitude.

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