Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson

Now if there’s a smile on my face
It’s only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that’s quite a different subject
But don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I’m sad, oh I’m sadder than sad
You’re gone and I’m hurtin’ so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there’s some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there’s no one around
Uh hum, oh yeah baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It’s only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don’t let my show convince you
That I’ve been happy since you
Decided to go, oh I need you so
I’m hurt and I want you to know
But for others I put on a show, ooh yeah

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the public eye
But in my lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there’s no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there’s a smile on my face
Don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don’t let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don’t care

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“I’m not hurting due to lost love. I’ve lost myself.”

The Social Worker I see, knowing my personality, recommended Smokey’s lyrics when I asked her, “When should I get over my whole life turning upside down?”  She acknowledges my lost. It hurts. I can’t dress that up. Sometimes I get angry at whomever is in my path. I hate that my key chain only has one key–..to our residence. I’m jealous of those who can walk. I’m resentful of those who can work. Horrible I know.

 

But then like Smokey (We’re on a first name basis now.) says, “These are only times, fleeting moments.”  The majority of time you wouldn’t know the loss I live with, because I’m trying to move forward with it… in my back pocket!  I have to.

 

Unless you are my husband or my mama, no one sees these fragile moments. I do my best to hide them. Bury them. I do my best to deny them from myself too!!

 

It haven’t driven or worked full-time since 2009. Some say, “Big Woo. Get over it!!”  “Honestly, that sounds reasonable to me!  It’s just so hard.”

 

“So, when should a young, successful, childless, married women with a promising career and only opportunity ahead of her get over losing the things that matter most to her?

 

Her answer,

“You don’t. You adapt.” she said.

Damn. I knew that!!!!!!!!