Thanks to multiple sclerosis, I use a wheelchair because I can’t really walk. I can’t work outside of the home. I can’t drive and I have the stamina of someone much, much older.
Over the years I have dealt with all of this. All of the things I used to define myself by are now unavailable to me. This has been the case for a while now and I’m learning to accept it.
But I have to confess, it really pisses me off when I see others doing all the things that I can no longer do!
I have to warn you that this is a dangerous and unhealthy place to stay. It’s like being rolled up in a ball of envy. I know that’s no place to go. So in my attempt to acknowledge the feelings thereby somehow letting them go I focus on the things that I can do and the wonderful helpful people I have surrounded myself with.
But it’s so hard. The dark side of me is ever so close.
I try to remember that I’m worth the effort it takes to ward off negativity. That underneath this pile of mess there lies a human being that is Nicole. The soul of who I am is alive and intact. Okay maybe a little bruised up, but I’m still moving on.
I don’t recommend this but I’ll just carry my little ball of envy and anger around with me until it gets too heavy.
It seems for now living in this world of the able-bodied, it’s all I can do.